Fuckable Fictional Characters: Mr. Spock

When I was a little girl growing up in the heart of Pennsyltucky, I lived with my mom’s family in a small town where I was one of few if not the only person of color. Everyone around me was white. Pretty much everyone I saw on TV was white. There were a few exceptions, but most of the women of color I saw on TV were usually characters who had very little power. They were either in the background serving the people around them, or they were sexualized objects. There weren’t a lot of role models out there for a young ethnically mixed person of color for me to relate to in popular culture. Then I started watching Star Trek.

Not only was there a woman of color who served on the bridge as the communications officer of a starship, but she was also friends with a handsome alien who was, like me, the child of a “mixed marriage.” Science Fiction provided me with two people I could not only relate to, but also admire as role models. Lieutenant Nyota Uhura gave women of color hope and the courage to step outside of the expectations society had in mind for us. And, Mr. Spock’s ethnic heritage was one of his strengths, not a weakness like he was led to believe while growing up on Vulcan. These two characters had a profound influence on me at a very young age. I identified with both of them and wanted to be just like them when I grew up. I’m still waiting to be invited to Star Fleet Academy, but I haven’t given up hope.

Today’s post is going to be a little different than the previous ones. I’m going to talk about two characters instead of just one. I know these posts are supposed to be talking about totally fuckable fictional characters and I intend to stick with that theme. However, today I’m also going to talk about two characters who I always imagined coming together as a couple when I was a child. As an adult, my dreams came true.

February 22: Mr. Spock and Nyota Uhura

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Leonard Nimoy and Nichelle Nichols

I am aware that many die-hard Star Trek fans were confused and a bit unsettled by the decision to make Mr. Spock and Lieutenant Uhura a couple in the 2009 film, Star Trek. I couldn’t have been happier. It’s like someone had been flipping through the files of my childhood fantasies and granted me a secret wish. So, for the fans who either don’t understand their relationship or for some reason oppose it, feel free to get over it.

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Zachary Quinto and Zoe Saldana

In the famous scene in which the first interracial kiss in television history took place between Uhura and Kirk, the original script was written for Spock and Uhura to share that kiss. According to Nichelle Nichols: “My understanding is Bill Shatner took one look at the scene and said, ‘No you will not! If anyone’s going to be part of the first interracial kiss in television history, it’s going to be me!’ So they rewrote it.”

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Fuck you, Captain Kirk. I’m almost 100% sure that if I would have witnessed Spock and Uhura kissing as a child, my teen dating experiences would have gone a lot differently. And, I’m pretty sure we would have seen some super sexy episodes of Star Trek after that. Whelp, I guess that’s what fan fiction is for. Am I right?

When I was a kid Mr. Spock was one of my favorite characters. Period. I always preferred him to Captain Kirk, and was usually puzzled, especially after I hit puberty, about why Kirk got so many chicks and Spock was practically celibate. Clearly, he was more attractive, more intelligent, gifted in ways that resembled magic, and he respected all people regardless of where they came from. He had a childhood that I could empathize with, and his differences often made him seem like an outsider. He was usually the voice of reason, and he had some of the best wisdom to offer his friends and colleagues.

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In the original series, Spock has a few flirtations with women from time to time, and he was engaged to a Vulcan woman as part of an arranged marriage. In a society where emotions are not valued, the concept of love is irrelevant when it comes to marriage. Marriages are arranged for more practical reasons. And, I would imagine one of the primary reasons to wed is to deal with pon farr, the hormonal imbalance Vulcans experience every 7 years that triggers the need for sexual intercourse, preferably with a mate. If a Vulcan is unable to have sex with a mate or another object of desire, the consequences could be insanity and/or death.

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The fact that Mr. Spock could potentially go insane if he doesn’t get laid makes him an extremely interesting character. I mean, who doesn’t want a partner who is literally driven wild by desire. Chemical imbalance or not, that is totally hot. Vulcans are able to have sex at other times, despite the fact that some people thought that Spock and his fellow Vulcans were only interested in sex every seven years. Pon farr is simply a biological impulse that helps ensure procreation. An antiquated ritual is performed and then the person experiencing the hormonal imbalance has sex with their mate or object of desire to alleviate the symptoms. Unless your mate chooses someone else.

Okay, that’s enough about Mr. Spock’s sex life. Just kidding.

Despite the fact that Mr. Spock is an alien from a planet that prizes a lack of emotions as a sign of superiority, he’s usually the one character who is most in touch with his emotions. Perhaps it is because he spends so much time trying to deny that he has any, that he actually has a better grasp of emotional maturity and can empathize with others when they are feeling extreme states of any emotion. His humanity makes him passionate and caring, a loyal friend, but his alien appearance makes him somehow sexier than the human men on the Enterprise. Don’t get me wrong; Scotty and Chekov are both hot in their own ways, but Mr. Spock’s appearance has always been more appealing to me than any other character. His pointy ears, shiny coal black hair, large, devilish eyebrows and tall, slim body created a blueprint in my young mind of what attractive men should look like. Alien. Devilish. Vampiric. Otherworldly. Yeah, that sounds about right.

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Leonard Nimoy was obviously my first Spock, and he will always have a special place in my heart. In fact, I couldn’t imagine anyone else filling those black pointy-toed boots. Until an actor who plays some of my favorite psychos, Zachary Quinto, put on the pointy ears and Spock stole my heart all over again.

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Quinto’s Spock is a bit more emotional that Nimoy’s, but Leonard Nimoy gave his blessing when Zachary was chosen to take on the role of Spock.

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Tears shed by a Vulcan are 10 times more touching.

And, most importantly, Quinto’s Spock gets to kiss Uhura. And judging by that kiss, we can all infer that there’s more than just kissing between these two. They kiss as if there has been intimacy between them for some time. Their kiss not only satisfied one of my childhood desires, it was totally hot and worth the wait. The sexy, dark-haired, modest science officer got the girl instead of the womanizing jackass captain. I don’t know about everybody else, but this geeky woman of color was giddy with delight. And incredibly turned on.

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Kirk who?

Let’s take another look.

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What’s that? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my childhood fantasies coming true.

We better take another look. You know, for Science.

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Is that a phaser in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

Seriously, these two are totally into each other and anyone who thinks otherwise is high on goofballs.

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So many feels.

I mean, how can you watch this and not see that Spock and Uhura are in love?

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I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m going to keep holding on to my childhood dream that a dark-haired stranger from another land will whisk me off to discover the secrets of space.

Fuckable Fictional Characters: John Constantine

Yesterday in my post about Mr. Darcy I talked a little bit about how he wrong actor can make an excellent fictional character a disappointment to fans on screen. I mentioned the poor casting choices of two of my favorite fictional characters, Lestat and Louis in Interview with the Vampire. Anne Rice’s vampires are some of the most interesting characters on the page and they deserved to be played by actors who could capture their essence on screen. I’m sure most of us can think of at least one example of how our favorite characters from books have been destroyed by the wrong actors.

One of my favorite comic book characters comes to us from the DC Universe. To be more specific, from their Vertigo imprint. Typically I fall for heroes and villains from the Marvel Universe, but sometimes DC does certain things a little better. And, when you’ve got Alan Moore involved it’s kind of hard to go wrong. My love of this character gives further credence to the fact that I am a hopeless anglophile. An anglophile who loves stories about magic, demons and Hell. If you haven’t checked out the Hellblazer comics you probably should. I need to thank my good friend David Magaro for turning me on to these comics. Don’t you love having friends who clue you in to things that make life a little bit more interesting?

February 20: John Constantine

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John Constantine is an antihero who battles demons and you know, tries to save the world from time to time. Sounds like a nice guy, right? Well nothing is every truly black and white, so don’t get your hopes up too high. Constantine’s heart is usually in the right place, but his decision making often has dire consequences and his methods for achieving his goals are a bit shady and usually dangerous. Like using black magic to combat darker magic and supernatural beings.

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Constantine is called Hellblazer because he’s been to Hell and back. More than once. I mean he doesn’t consider it a vacation spot, but his job sometimes requires him to visit. That alone gives him serious street credit when it comes to hunting and exorcising demons. But he’s got other mad magical skills. Aside from his grasp of magic, he can summons demons and angels. He wears a snazzy trench coat full of demonic power, and he’s an accomplished con artist and lock picker.

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Constantine’s an interesting guy. He’s been described as a “working class occult detective,” and while he comes from Liverpool, he’s usually stationed in London. Like an well-crafted character he’s got major backstory. His mother died giving birth to him, and while in utero he strangled his twin brother with his umbilical cord. His mother’s womb was weaken by a previous abortion his father forced her to have, which caused the birth complications. Rather than taking responsibility for his wife’s death, he blames John and they spend his childhood hating each other. His dad was an alcoholic, abusive, and arrested for stealing a neighbor’s underwear. So, you know, excellent role model.

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Constantine’s bloodline connects him to some very powerful magicians, and as he discovers his ancestry he develops a keen interest in magic, and he began practicing magic at a young age. Some pretty complicated and impressive spellwork for someone his age, like hiding his childhood vulnerability and innocence in a box so he no longer has to deal with it. Growing up in London in the 1960’s and ‘70’s he formed a punk band, Mucous Membrane, and later become a stage magician in the 1980’s where he earned a name for himself by predicting Reagan’s assassination. Seriously, how cool is this guy.

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One of his first attempts at becoming a hero in the occult realm went terrible wrong. In order to banish a demon that was conjured by an abused child to take revenge on the adults hurting her, Constantine and his friends summon their own demon. As you might imagine, it doesn’t go well. They didn’t have control of the demon, and when it destroys the child’s monster, it torments John’s friends and drags the child to Hell. Soon after, he commits himself to a mental hospital because he can’t deal with the guilt.

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Are you hooked? You should be. That’s just the tip of the iceberg for Constantine’s adventures. When I began this post I mentioned that problem of casting the wrong actor to play a great character. Well, the first attempt at putting Constantine on screen was the live-action 2005 film starring Keanu Reeves in an Americanized version of the story.

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Well, he is smoking. That’s a start.

The film itself isn’t terrible, but Reeves just isn’t believable as Constantine. The rest of the cast is impressive—Tilda Swinton as Gabriel, Peter Stormare as Lucifer, Djimon Hounsou as Papa Midnite, and Pruitt Taylor Vince as an alcoholic priest who communicates with the dead. Oh, and Gavin Rossdale plays a half-breed demon, Balthazar. Great cast, right? Sure, but the most important character missed the mark almost completely.

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Cats have something to do with magic, right?

In 2014 NBC brought Constantine to television with Welsh actor Matt Ryan. Finally, a believable Constantine. He looked like Constantine. Sounded like Constantine. Had his bad attitude and a big heart. And they did their best to stay within cannon.

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Yep. That’s John Constantine.

I was glued to the TV each week. But apparently I was one of the few people watching, because the show got canceled after one season. I was disappointed. It was off to a great start and I had so many high hopes for the show. In the short time it was on TV, I fell hard for Matt Ryan’s Constantine.

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Wow, it’s like someone bothered to read the comic book.

Matt Ryan has reprised Constantine in a 2015 episode of Arrow on the CW. I would hope that this might inspire another network to pick up the series or at the very least think about bringing a more believable film adaptation to the big screen. A fangirl can dream, right?

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Smoking is sexy. You should start tomorrow.

Am I the only one who enjoyed this show? I can’t possibly be the only one who sees how Matt Ryan is perfectly cast as this super fucking cool fictional character.

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John Constantine is hot. Seriously, he’s on fire.

I mean he’s even in the mental hospital in the first episode.

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Don’t people usually check themselves into a psychiatric facility to avoid crazy shit like this?

Seriously, give this show another chance.

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I need more magic in my life.

Fuckable Fictional Characters: Gomez Addams

When I was a little girl, I figured out pretty quickly that my family, while they looked like normal people, weren’t like everyone else. I spent a lot of time at my grandparents’ house growing up. My mom was a single parent, and when I was born we lived with her folks. Mom worked full-time, so I spent most of my days with my grandmother. She was a traditional housewife right out of the 1950’s. She cooked, cleaned, baked, sewed, knitted, attended local township meetings, and in the afternoons before she had to start dinner, we watched soap operas. When her soaps were over and it was time to make dinner, the TV stayed on and I got an education in the popular culture of the ‘50’s, ‘60’s, and ‘70’s. Some of my favorite shows included Batman (with Adam West), Dark Shadows, Doctor Who, Star Blazers, The Electric Company, The Munsters, and The Addams Family.

The Munsters were funny, and I absolutely loved Lily. But she was no Morticia Addams. The Addams Family was funny, but much darker than The Munsters. I knew that Lily and Herman were happily married, because without the monster make-up they were just like every other family on an American sitcom. And that meant they were happy. Right? Happy or not, Morticia and her husband, Gomez were happy in a way I’d never seen a couple before. They were married, but they acted like people who were having an affair with each other. They were always touching, kissing, dancing, and making references to what they’d like to do to each other when they were alone. Even as a kid, I knew their relationship was WAY more exciting than Lily and Herman’s. I didn’t always grasp the double entendre, but I knew that Morticia and Gomez were totally hot for each other. They had the kind of relationship that made other couples jealous, and I wanted what they had.

February 17: Gomez Addams

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Gomez Addams is the patriarch of the Addams Family. He is married to Morticia Addams, the Rosetta Stone of female Goth fashion, and to the best of my knowledge, the first woman in an American sitcom to make references to BDSM. She’s a trailblazer of sex-positive feminism, and the love of Gomez’s life. So first and foremost, he has excellent taste in women.

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Role models for healthy sexual relationships.

When Charles Addams created the Addams Family, none of the characters had names, but you got the sense that they were a family. So, when the black comedy cartoon from The New Yorker was adapted for television in 1964, John Astin worked closely with Charles Addams to develop the character for the series. Since Addams hadn’t given the pudgy little man in the pin-striped suit a name, he gave the show creators the choice between Repelli or Gomez. Astin chose Gomez, making him Castilian, and infused Addams’ creation with his own vibrant personality.

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Once again, creepy is the new sexy.

What do we know about Gomez? Well, he’s extremely wealthy. He acquired most of his money through inheritance and investments. His investments are what most sensible people would consider risky or just plain weird. For instance, he owns swamp, which he purchased for its “scenic value”, and his businesses that can be found around the globe include a crocodile farm, a tombstone factory, a salt mine, and a uranium mine. Although he is trained as an attorney, he rarely works, and takes pride in being voted “least likely to succeed” by his graduating class from law school. Despite his risky investments and lack of interest in a vocation, he was ranked #12 on the 2007 Forbes “Fictional 15” list of the richest fictional characters. According to Forbes, he was worth $2 billion.

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He isn’t what you would call traditionally handsome. He’s kind of a weirdo. Okay, more than kind of. But his unusual appearance coupled with his unique sartorial flair make him worth a second glance. And, while John Astin was my first Gomez, Raúl Juliá was quite fetching in the role, too.

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His accent makes Gomez even sexier.

But it’s his list of arcane and sideshow-like hobbies that add up to make him an intriguing man of impressive and strange accomplishments. He’s athletic and acrobatic, performing seemingly impossible flips, dives, and leaps. Like a cat, he almost always lands on his feet. He an excellent dancer and never passes up a chance to spin Morticia around the floor.

A collector of rare antique objects, he has a small arsenal in the house that includes knives, swords, canons, muskets, armor, and other historical weapons. The only other collection in the house that rivals his armory is Morticia’s collection of medieval torture devices.

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In addition to his antique collecting, he’s a juggler, a knife thrower, and a toy train enthusiast.

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But all of these hobbies are simply ways to pass the time when he isn’t showering Morticia with affection. She is his greatest passion.

Gomez and Morticia have a healthy romantic relationship that never seems to grow stale even though they’ve been married a long time. Yes, they both have their own weird hobbies that keep them occupied, but the hobbies they share in common are the ones that keep their sex life fresh.

When I was a kid I knew I was attracted to Gomez, but I wasn’t entirely sure why. Now that I’m an adult I totally get it.

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Seriously? No one tried to censor this dick joke back in the ’60’s?

Aside from Gomez’s thing, he also has an open mind about pleasing his wife and often allows her to take charge of the sex play.

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Their bedroom is totally a dungeon. How is no one putting a stop to this?

Who can blame him? Morticia is a woman who knows what she wants. And he is more than happy to please her.

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And, Gomez is always willing to help out with the kids.

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Fuck tea parties! Let’s play bury the dead.

There is no doubt that he loves his wife. In fact if they weren’t a couple, he would most likely be her stalker. But how could she ever resist such devotion and adoration.

Gomez Addams is a man of wealth, culture, style, and an expert on how to get away with murder. He has a dark sense of humor and a taste for the perverse. But above all, he is a man of passion and romance. Especially if there’s a safe word.

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When this man was made, they broke the mold.

Fuckable Fictional Characters: Kilgrave

A few days ago I started writing a new post. That was Saturday. Saturday was a busy day. My son had a basketball tournament. Then my friends helped me celebrate my birthday with an 80’s Valentines dance party. Sunday was my actual birthday and I celebrated by having breakfast with an old friend and catching a few movies with my son. Monday I revised and cleaned up a manuscript and submitted it to an agent. So, you could say that the past three days were not only busy, but filled wit real life activities involving the real people in my life. I feel like that gives me a reasonable pass to take a break from writing about fictional characters I’d like to fuck.

Today the weather is bad enough that school was canceled, so I have a day at home to catch up on writing blog posts. I’m not sure if I’ll get three posts written to make up for the days I missed, but here’s my first offering.


A few months ago I got an early Christmas gift. I was watching Netflix one evening and caught a preview of a Netflix original show that’s part of the Marvel franchise. I didn’t know anything about the anti-hero Jessica Jones, but when I saw who was cast as the villain, my heart skipped a beat.

You see, David Tennant is my not so secret celebrity boyfriend. He stole my heart as the 10th Doctor, and he was up against some stiff competition. Until then, the only Time Lord I loved was the 4th Doctor. When I was a kid I loved Tom Baker so much that I would pretend to be sick so I would get sent home early to catch the afternoon showing of Doctor Who on PBS. That’s how committed I am to my geekdom.

Before this becomes a post about Doctor Who I better get back on track. Where was I? Oh, right. David Tennant. Despite his emotional range and commitment to his craft, it is often impossible to divorce the actor from the characters he plays. There are a few exceptions to this assertion. For instance, he had a much more somber role in Broadchurch as Detective Inspector Alec Hardy, but even his Hamlet is classic Tennant.

So, without further ado, and by request (this is for you Brian J. Parker), I give you the Purple Man, Kilgrave.

February 16: Kilgrave

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Kilgrave is a scary villain. That’s saying a lot for the Marvel Universe. He’s scary not only because he has the ability to control people’s minds and essentially turn them into puppets, but also because he’s a sociopath and enjoys doing evil shit to his victims.

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That’ll teach him to keep Handsome Sociopathic Stalker Weekly in stock.

A master of manipulation, he zeroes in on the people who can serve him best and then takes over their lives by making them his slaves. If he sees something or someone he likes, he simply takes them. A beautiful home, expensive clothes, free meals in swanky restaurants, jewelry and gifts for his lady friends (all of which are held against their will), and anything else he desires. Well, anything but love. For love to be real, it has to be given freely and willingly. Kilgrave is a control freak to the Nth degree, so it is impossible for him to allow people to act of their own free will and simply hope for the best outcome. He may be evil, but he certainly isn’t an idiot. He knows people can’t be trusted to do what you want them to do. In fact, he doesn’t trust people in general.

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He didn’t say “Simon says”.

Kilgrave’s trust issues developed from a childhood spent in a lab where his parents conducted scientific experiments on him in the hopes of curing a neurodegenerative disease that threatened his life. They managed to stop the disease’s progress, but in doing so tortured their son with a series of painful treatments that caused a mutation in his brain. The unexpected side effect allowed their son to control people’s minds. Unable to trust his own parents, Kilgrave decided to take his frustrations out on the rest of the world.

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Have you considered therapy instead of manipulating people to kill themselves and others?

One night while out on the town with two women under his control, he witnesses a woman, Jessica Jones, fight off two muggers and save Malcolm Ducasse. Malcolm was badly beaten and needed medical attention, but before Jessica can help him further, Kilgrave dismisses his lady friends and takes control of Jessica. He’s fascinated by her and decides to keep her. You know, like a pet. The king of backhanded compliments, he tells her, “Here I am, just debating where to eat and then BAM, there you are, performing feats of heroism. Come here, let me look at you, come on. Jesus you’re a vision, hair and the skin, appalling sense of fashion but that can be remedied.”

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Quickest way to end a date.

For several months Kilgrave holds Jessica prisoner and has sex with her while she is under his mind control. Last I checked, having sex with someone without his or her consent is called rape. It doesn’t matter how many gifts you buy someone or fancy meals you feed them. If you’re using mind control or any other form of manipulation to fuck them on a regular basis, you aren’t a partner you’re a rapist.

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Assholes brag about being assholes.

Kilgrave falls in love with Jessica (obsession can look a lot like love in the eyes of a crazy person) and believes they are actually in a relationship. But how can you be in a relationship with someone when you control every aspect of your interaction with that person? If you always choose where to eat, what the person wears, and how they behave is that really love? Sounds more like a textbook abusive relationship with a narcissistic asshole, right? Except in this case, he can literally control your mind, not just use emotional manipulation to keep you trapped in a toxic relationship.

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Punching him in the face and screaming “Shut the fuck up,” doesn’t even begin to cover what her reaction should be.

Deluded by his belief that he loves Jessica, he stops controlling her mind for 12 hours. It takes that much time for his influence to wear off. He takes off her mental leash to prove that she has the same feelings for him. In those 12 hours Jessica remembers all of the terrible things he has done to her, but instead of running right away, she allows him to believe that he is right. She pretends to be in love with him. And continues to take orders from him.

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Kissing a sociopath will not turn him into a prince.

Kilgrave discovers that Reva Connors has a thumb drive containing footage of the experiments he underwent as a child. He wants this information to remain a secret. He controls Reva to show him where she’s hidden it, and after Jessica uses her own super powers to punch through concrete to retrieve it, Kilgrave tells Jessica to kill Reva. Which she does by punching her so hard that she is thrown into the path of an oncoming bus. With her task complete, Jessica walks away. Kilgrave is freaked out by the fact that she won’t respond to him. He shouts after her, but she is no longer under his control. In an attempt to avoid hitting Reva, the bus driver swerves and ends up flipping the bus on its side. In the chaos, Kilgrave is distracted by Jessica’s disobedience and is hit and almost killed by the bus. Jessica is free.

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Not a giver.

Her freedom is an illusion. She is still a prisoner of her own fear. Kilgrave not only raped her body, he raped her mind. To deal with the memories and nightmares, she drinks. A lot. And even though everyone else believes Kilgrave is dead, she knows better. She expects him to show up at any minute and begin torturing her again. So she tries to remain under the radar, but always keeps an eye out for signs of his return.

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I’m pretty sure the devil wears nice suits, too.

She’s smart to do that, because he isn’t dead. Just badly injured. While he recovers he obsesses about Jessica even more. He decides that he’s going to convince her to come back to him and prove that he loves her. And if she refuses to return his affection, he’ll kill her. But not before threatening to kill and killing a bunch of other people. Seems legit. Well, it seems legit if you’re a mentally ill control freak hellbent on forcing someone to love you. But here’s the rub. He knows that his ability to control her isn’t working like it did before. So instead of controlling her, he comes up with an elaborate plan to control everyone else around her.

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Disapproving Sociopath disapproves of your lifestyle.

This is where things get interesting. Since he can control anyone in range of his voice, it is impossible to guess who is under his control. Jessica knows this too, which is why she’s a paranoid mess with trust issues to rival even Kilgrave’s. Some days it pays to be paranoid. Especially if you have a sociopathic stalker who thinks he’s you’re ex-boyfriend and continues to believe you loved it when he raped you.

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If you haven’t questioned why I chose to add Kilgrave to this list of fuckable fictional characters by now, then maybe you need a check up from the neck up. I mean, seriously, this guy is a monster. He uses mind control for his entertainment. Aside from Jessica, and a few of his other victims we meet, how many women has he raped or forced to commit unspeakable acts to stroke his enormous ego? And, he isn’t above killing people. Of course, he controls others to do his killing for him, but that just makes him more evil in my opinion.

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So, again, why is he on this list? Because he’s not only a scary villain with a fascinating backstory, but he really believes he’s in love with Jessica. And a sociopathic stalker with David Tennant’s face and personality is pretty sexy. The lengths he goes to to convince Jessica that his love for her is real and that she has real feelings for him beyond fear and hatred are mind-blowing. Creepy as Hell given the circumstances, but no less impressive.

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Denial is a river full of crazy motherfuckers.

He purchases her childhood home and completely reconstructs it to look like it did when she still lived there – furniture, wallpaper, knick-knacks, and even her personal items. A grand gesture to be sure, but nightmarish in its execution. He invites her to come live there with him. She agrees to stay and allows him to do nice things for her. Even though she doesn’t behave exactly the way he wants her to, he still doesn’t try to control her. He wants her affection to be genuine. So, while she plots how to kill him, they play house for a few days and antagonize each other with threats and criticisms delivered as playful banter.

If he weren’t such a dangerous sociopath, he would be quite a catch. He’s handsome. He has great taste in food, wine, clothing, and the finer things in life. He’s highly intelligent and creative when it comes to thinking up new ways to torment and manipulate people. He has a very dark sense of humor. He’s well organized and can multitask like a criminal mastermind. He likes to give expensive gifts to his lady friends. He’s a snappy dresser. And he has a British accent. Oh, and he’s a tortured soul who deals with his pain by lashing out at others.

Maybe real love would quiet his impulse to control people. Perhaps Jessica could be a positive influence on Kilgrave.

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And maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt.

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Many of the characters I’ve chosen for this series of blog posts, but especially this one, make me stop and think about whether it’s the character or the actor I like more. I mean I’m not completely clueless about this concept. Really horrible characters portrayed by sexy as fuck actors can create some conflicts of conscience. And when a sociopathic stalker has a lot of the same personality quirks as one of your favorite heroes, it is difficult to not see the good in that character.

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He even dresses like a Time Lord.

Love makes everyone crazy at times. A man in love is beautiful, and even if that love isn’t directed at you, you want him to be rewarded with the same affection he’s giving. But Kilgrave is complicated. He is in love. Whether that love is real or the product of his psychosis, he believes himself to be in love. And all of his efforts to prove his love are thwarted time and time again. Intellectually, I know he should be imprisoned with a bunch of horny rapists to experience what he’s done to Jessica and his other victims. If he were a real person I would have no trouble finding him guilty if I sat in the jury box. But because he is a well written fictional character with the benefit of a terrible and interesting backstory, I feel sympathy for him on some levels.

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Go ahead. Judge me. Like I’ve said before, I don’t have to justify why I feel this way or that about a fictional character. Do I want to meet and fall in love with a real sociopath who gets his kicks from raping women and torturing people? Of course not. Are there women out there who seek the affection of rapists and murderers who are serving life sentences in prison? Yes. I’m not one of them. But throw a complicated fictional villain with serious character flaws my way, and 9 out of 10 times, I’m attracted to them. Especially if they are emotionally damaged.

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Admit it. This scene gave you the feels.

But in all fairness, this particular villain looks and acts a lot like Doctor Who.

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And, his dark humor is an endless source of amusement.

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Seriously, listening to David Tennant curse is a real treat.

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I’ll say it again. Creepy is the new sexy.

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How the hell is she not waking up to make out with him?

And, his jealousy makes him a little vulnerable.

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You probably shouldn’t have chosen a giant, handsome fuck machine to do your bidding.

It also doesn’t hurt that he’s fucking adorable even when he’s planning to run away with your best friend and make her his sex slave.

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I love you, you fucking psycho!

If Marvel doesn’t want me to fall in love with their villains, they should probably stop casting them with super sexy, funny actors with British accents.

And apparently, I’m not the only crazy person who loves this maniac.

Bet you wish your name was Jessica right about now.

Fuckable Fictional Characters: Spike

I love fiction. I read a lot. I watch a lot of TV and movies. And I write fiction. Something you may have noticed about these posts (or derived from the title of my blog) is that I tend to like monsters. They make interesting characters, and often allow us to fantasize about the darker aspects of humanity. They can do things society cautions us against. Sometimes these warnings are given for very good reasons. Killing people and eating them is a big no-no. Technically, having sex with a vampire makes you a necrophiliac. Dating a werewolf is akin to staying in an abusive relationship, because you never really know if you’re going to get mauled on the next full moon. Fantasy is one thing. Reality is another. A few days ago a friend mentioned that one of the characters I chose was a dick. I agreed. But we both came to the conclusion that just because you want to have sex with someone, that doesn’t make them an appropriate partner long-term. And, since I’m writing about fictional characters, you have to take all of this with a grain of salt. I’m writing about these characters not only because they are totally fuckable, but also because they’re interesting and make for good fiction.

Today we return to the Buffyverse, because my favorite monsters of all time are vampires. Call me a necrophiliac if you must, but you have to admit I have great taste in vampires. My first post in this series was about Damon Salvatore, who is one of the sexiest TV vampires ever. Before I laid eyes on Damon, I had the hots for John Mitchell. And long before Mitchell, there was Spike.

February 11: Spike (William the Bloody)

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Until Spike made his first appearance on screen in the second season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in “School Hard,” my heart only belonged to Rupert Giles, Buffy’s Watcher. But when a vampire who looked a little like Billy Idol showed up in Sunnydale speaking in a very sexy British accent, my heart split in two. Dressed in black leather with bleach blond hair, and sporting an attitude to rival all attitudes, Spike, or William the Bloody, quickly became one of Buffy’s most challenging foes.

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Billy Idol stole his look from Spike.

A notorious vampire known by the Watchers Council for killing not only countless humans, but also two slayers, Spike arrives in Sunnydale with his long-time companion, Drusilla.

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Love you to death.

Spike and Drusilla met in Victorian London on one of William’s worst nights as a human. Emotionally distressed, he storms away from a party held by the woman he is infatuated with after she rejects and publicly humiliates him. After meeting Dru, it was also his last night as a human. She immediately takes a liking to him, and perhaps she saw their future together in one of her visions, because rather than draining him of blood and leaving him to die in a dark alley, she chooses to make him a vampire. And so began one of the great and monstrous love stories of all time.

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Drusilla is traveling with two other vampires, Angelus, her maker, and Darla, Angelus’ maker. The three blood-thirsty vampires have been traveling around Europe feeding, killing and presumably, fucking. At least Angelus and Darla, but there is some indication that Angelus had a sexual relationship with Drusilla as well. Darla and Angelus are angry with Drusilla for turning Spike without their consent, but once he proves himself to be impressively violent, and kills a slayer during the Boxer Rebellion in China, he becomes a valued member of the nest.

The vampires disband when Angelus gets his soul back (long story, Gypsy curse, has relevance later in the plot), and Drusilla and Spike continue their love affair and encourage each other to new heights of evil. One of the reasons Angelus made Drusilla a vampire is the fact that she is clairvoyant. She has visions, and sometimes the things she dreams come true. When Drusilla was human, her Puritan family condemned her supernatural talent and forced her to subdue it unless she wished to be accused of witchcraft. Prior to making Dru a vampire, Angelus drove her insane by making her do things that went against her religious upbringing, and then had her participate in the death of her parents.

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She totally fucked both of them. Oh wait, so did Buffy.

Spike and Drusilla come to Sunnydale looking to join up with a group of vampires who are preparing for an end of the world prophecy. Spike isn’t one for following rules or obeying an authority figure. Once he learns there’s a slayer in town, he becomes obsessed with adding her to his kill list. He’s hoping she’ll become number three. Spike ends up sabotaging the prophecy and becomes the next Big Bad in Sunnydale. Until Angel loses his soul and comes up with another end of the world project. Again, Spike steps up to save the world. Even if it is for selfish reasons.

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He joins forces with Buffy to assist in stopping Angelus. This is the beginning of a partnership that develops into what Spike believes is the actual love of his life. But before that happens, their love to hate each other relationship blossoms as they continually try to kill each other and hilarity ensues.

After Buffy defeats Angelus with the help of Spike, Spike takes Drusilla, and leaves Sunnydale. While they’re gone, they have a falling out and break up. Spike is crushed and returns to Sunnydale looking for a distraction and to resume his plan to kill Buffy. He is emotionally unstable and seems lost without Drusilla.

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A man with a plan.

Spike becomes an integral part of Buffy’s life long before they begin their secret sexual relationship after she comes back from the dead. Again. He has encounters with all of the important people in Buffy’s life. He spends time with Joyce.

He visits Willow at college.

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Crashes at Xander’s.

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Spends quality time with Giles.

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Seriously, the time he spends hiding out at Giles’ house is hilarious.

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How badly do you want to hold that mug right now?

And, he builds a very tight bond with Buffy’s sister, Dawn.

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Real vampires enjoy terrifying young girls.

But my favorite parts are when Spike provides wisdom on a subject that no one else has the insight to recognize, or wishes to remain in denial about instead of facing their true feelings.

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Couples counseling. One of the many services Spike provides.

Spike knows who he is and isn’t afraid to speak his mind and be honest with people. Well, at least when he hasn’t been altered by a forgetfulness spell. Okay, maybe even then.

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Doesn’t remember his own name, but still knows to mock Giles.

One of the things that makes Spike so endearing is his wonderfully sarcastic wit, and his ability to bring levity to almost any situation.

But the reason I love Spike so much is the fact the he, more than anyone else she knows, can recognize Buffy’s pain and help her find the strength the face her own demons.

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All kidding aside, these words have pulled me out of darkness on more than one occasion.

And, of course, some of the best episodes deal with Spike and Buffy’s relationship and how it changes both of them. Spike mourns Buffy’s death. So much so that he counted the days she was gone.

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This is also when he realizes she had to claw her way out of her own coffin, and his heart breaks for her.

Buffy feels betrayed by her friends even though they were trying to do a good thing, but she really wishes they would have left her stay dead. Spike seems to be the only one who understands what she’s going through.

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To cope with her confused feelings, she decides to confuse them even more by engaging in a sexual relationship with Spike. A relationship she can’t tell her friends about. She likes the way he makes her feel, but is ashamed and believes herself to be a bad person.

Bad decisions lead to more emotional turmoil for Spike as he continues his romantic losing streak. Sure, Spike’s great when you want to party and get your brains fucked out, but apparently he isn’t boyfriend material.

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Buffy likes to play the blame game.

Unfortunately, Spike really loves her.

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Seriously, Buffy is an idiot.

Maybe they can’t have a happily ever after, but when you meet someone who looks like this, you should totally strive for happy for now.

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Fuckable Fictional Characters: Tate Langdon

Back in November of 2012 my life was forever changed as I binge-watched the first season of American Horror Story on Netflix. I had begun my MFA in Writing Popular Fiction at Seton Hill University earlier that year in June, and as my second residency was rapidly approaching, I had assignments and manuscript deadlines looming over me, I was working a soul-sucking job at the University of Pittsburgh, and juggling parenthood. Let’s just say I was burdened by adult life and needed an escape. Netflix rarely disappoints in that department, and I can usually count on finding a film or series that will transport me into the realm of escapism.

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It was a Friday night. Everyone was asleep. I was up late reading, writing, doing laundry and making a grocery list. It felt good to be writing again, but also a little overwhelming when I considered all of the other responsibility I had. I turned on Netflix and saw that American Horror Story: Murder House was available. A few friends who had watched it in real time insisted that I watch it as soon as humanly possible. They said it was right up my alley. They were not wrong.

I sat alone in my living room with only the glow of TV for light, wrapped myself up in a blanket, cracked open a beer, and settled in. As I watched the first episode and was slowly introduced to the characters, including the house, I got excited about the fact that a TV show was focusing on a haunted house and showing the history of why it was haunted and how it affected the people living in it over time. Brilliant. What I didn’t expect was how gloriously violent and gratuitously sexual the show was. I was given glimpses of some of the most private and intimate moments of a person’s life, including their deaths. I was instantly hooked. I stayed up past 3:00 a.m. and managed to watch four episodes before I had to crash.

They next day I woke up with a physical urge to watch more. The show was like a horror movie on crack that only adults are allowed to watch. This show had captured the concept of spectacle in all its glory. I spent several hours watching more of the show on Saturday and Sunday. And I’ve been a fan ever since.

February 10: Tate Langdon

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If you’ve never watched the first season of American Horror Story, shame on you. And, you probably shouldn’t read any further, because this post is riddled with SPOILER ALERTS.

Tate Langdon is a 17-year-old boy with a history of mental illness that his abusive alcoholic mother, Constance, is in denial about. She brushes off his violent outbursts and rage by saying that he’s overly sensitive. One day, in 1994, he showed up at his high school armed to the teeth, and single-handedly killed 15 people. In one respect his mother is right. He is a sensitive boy. He is extremely protective of the people he loves. If he thinks they’re going to be harmed, he resorts to violence. But that doesn’t exactly explain his choice to commit mass murder at his high school. Tate is misunderstood by most people, confused about his own thoughts and feelings, and homicidal.

Tate-Skull

Every day is Halloween.

The police track Tate to his house after the shooting, and a SWAT team kills him in his bedroom. But death doesn’t get Tate down. He simply continues to exist as a ghost in the house. Unlike some ghosts we’ve encountered in fiction, or perhaps real life, Tate is a tangible ghost. He appears to be alive and is able to interact with the living as if he never died.

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In death, Tate is no less violent. In fact, his emotional imbalances are heightened by the other ghosts haunting the house who encourage him to commit unspeakable acts. The house has a long history of violence at the hands of several deeply disturbed individuals. The house is essentially a receptacle for sin. The evil that saturates the house from attic to basement demands to be fed more souls. The house uses Tate to get what it wants, but he struggles against his darkness. Tate may feel guilt for doing the terrible things he does, but he sure is good at being a homicidal maniac.

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This is why we can’t have nice things.

When a psychiatrist and his family move in, the house awakens and the ghosts come out to play. Tate becomes one of the doctor’s regular patients as he masquerades as a neighbor boy with depression. After one of his sessions, he meets the psychiatrist’s teenaged daughter, Violet Harmon. Tate catches Violet attempting to slit her wrist over a bathroom sink. Helpful boy that he is, he explains that she’s doing it wrong. If she really wants to kill herself, she needs to cut vertically, not horizontally, because “they can’t stitch it up.”

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They’re totally fucked.

Tate and Violet bond over their teen angst and morbid interests. And it doesn’t take long for them to become more than friends. Can you blame her? Look at that boy. He’s dark, brooding, dangerous, and absolutely fucking adorable.

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Cutest psycho on the block.

They spend a lot of time together, but have to keep the nature of their relationship a secret from her dad. The boy develops an unhealthy obsession with her that manifests as love in his mind. Violet’s dad knows that Tate is disturbed, and doesn’t want him near his daughter. And he especially doesn’t want Tate having sex with her. Against her dad’s wishes, Violet continues to see Tate. They meet secretly in the basement or he appears in her room at night.

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A match made in Hell.

Violet is a positive influence on Tate. He can be sweet and charming when given the chance. It’s hard not to feel sorry for him at times, because he seems to genuinely love Violet even if he is a psychopath.

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Violet is having a hard time fitting in at her new school and is going through a period of depression, which is why she’s been cutting herself. One particular girl is bullying Violet and upsetting her so badly that she starts missing school. Tate wants to help, so he tells Violet to kill the girl. Violet invites the girl over and Tate not only scares the bully, but Violet too. Violet is so disturbed by the weird and terrifying shit she sees in the basement that she tells Tate she doesn’t want to see him anymore.

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Creepy is the new sexy.

He’s crushed, but his rage manifests when she rejects him. He yells at her, “I thought you weren’t afraid of anything!” They spend some time apart. Violet continues to struggle with depression, and Tate has some projects to work on around the house.

They can’t stay away from each other, and their relationship begins to deepen. Tate tells Violet more about himself – not everything – but he begins opening up to her. They still meet in the basement, but Tate takes Violet on a real date and she has such a good time that she decides she’d like to have sex with him.

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99 problems and the size of his penis isn’t one.

As their physical relationship blossoms, so does their emotional attachment. Tate is already unstable. It probably isn’t a good idea to have a sexual relationship with someone as fucked up as he is, no matter how big his dick is. Okay, maybe just once. Or twice. But the consequences could be pretty bad. Especially if you find out that your crazy ass boyfriend murdered 15 people, got shot, and died, but is still taking you on dates.

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Just in case you were looking for a word to describe your feelings about Tate.

The closer Violet gets to Tate, the more she learns about who he really is. When she discovers that he not only killed a bunch of people, but is in fact dead, she takes it pretty badly and commits suicide.

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Nothing says love like dragging her unconscious body down a hallway while trying to save her from a drug overdose.

Despite Tate’s efforts, Violet dies. But, she doesn’t know that she’s dead. And neither does her family. Tate knows the truth but doesn’t tell her right away. Instead, he tells her that he loves her, asks her to kill herself, and be with him forever. When she refuses he tells her the truth.

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Things a serial killer would say.

Now that Violet’s dead, they make a great couple, right? Well, once Violet dies and has insight into what’s happening in the house, she learns about Tate’s violence, and is absolutely revolted and heartbroken when she finds out he raped her mother. And, is the father of her new baby brother.

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I fell in love with a dead boy.

Seriously. Fucked up stuff like that happens all the time on the show. Why aren’t you watching it right now?

Fuckable Fictional Characters: Sam Merlotte

In honor of Mardi Gras, we’ll be taking a trip to Bon Temps, Louisiana to visit with one of the most fuckable characters from Alan Ball’s series, True Blood. As you might imagine, it would be difficult to choose just one character from the series to shower with your affections. I plan on writing posts for multiple characters in this fictional universe, and waffled about who would be first on my list. As much as I love vampires and werewolves, you’d think I’d start with Eric Northman or Alcide Herveaux. But no, I’m going talk about Bon Temp’s handsomest shifter, Sam Merlotte.

February 9: Sam Merlotte

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In a town full of supernatural weirdoes, Sam Merlotte is usually the most level-headed and reliable inhabitant of Bon Temps. As long as you stay on his good side, he’s a loyal friend and stand up guy. Perhaps a little judgmental and over-protective of some of the women in his life, Sam owns the local watering hole, Merlotte’s Bar & Grill. Sam employs a host of interesting characters, including Sookie Stackhouse, Charlaine Harris’s psychic heroine, Arlene Fowler, Tara Thornton, Terry Bellefleur, and my favorite, the fabulous Lafayette Reynolds.

Merlotte's Sign

Sam has relationships with all of his employees that range from tolerant boss to love interest. Aside from Terry and Lafayette who work as cooks, Sam mainly employs female wait staff, all of which are easy on the eyes. Sam likes the ladies, and the ladies like Sam. He’s also easy on the eyes and genuinely a thoughtful and supportive guy. Unless you miss too many shifts or try to cheat him.

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Even Charlaine Harris stops by to check out the local flavor.

Bon Temps is a small town, so everybody knows everybody else’s business, and Merlotte’s is one of the best places to listen to local gossip. The colorful staff have personality traits that set them apart, and life experiences that make them interesting much in the way a train wreck is interesting. They’re daily lives are complicated enough that they do miss shifts from time to time. Sookie Stackhouse misses a lot of shifts after she begins dating a vampire, Bill Compton. The fact that Sookie likes this vampire so much is a source of concern for Sam. He’s not only worried about her safety. Sam is jealous because he wants to date Sookie. Unfortunately for Sam, Sookie seems to have placed him in the friend category indefinitely.

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No matter how much you love her peaches, you’re barking up the wrong tree.

But don’t worry about Sam. He’s never lonely for long. He develops several sexual relationships with local ladies, and as a teen he even managed to have sex with a Maenad, Maryann.

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Maryann teaches a young dog some new tricks.

He has a habit of dating or trying to date his waitresses, but one of his most notable on and off relationships is with his bartender, Tara Thornton. Tara is a complex woman and has nightmarish dating experiences and a history of abuse from her alcoholic born again mother. Let’s just say she has trust issues. But she’s sassy, independent, speaks her mind (perhaps a little too much), and is drop-dead gorgeous. Sam and Tara initially are just drinking buddies who share their concerns about Sookie’s dating habits. Tara and Sookie are best friends and have been for years. They’re tight. More like family than friends. One night after having too many drinks, Sam invites Tara to crash on the couch in his trailer behind Merlotte’s. They have a few more drinks, talk about how lonely they’ve been…and how horny, and pretty soon they’re naked and having some of the hottest sex on the show. Before they have sex, Tara makes it clear that she’s not looking for a serious relationship. Sam hesitates, but agrees that they make good friends, and being friends with benefits might be even better.

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I’d love to spend a bourbon-fueled night of bad choices with these two before sneaking out in the morning to avoid awkward conversation.

As I mentioned, Sam is a shapeshifter, or shifter. Not a werewolf like Alcide and the inbreeding family of werepanthers who kidnap Sookie’s brother, Jason Stackhouse, but a true shifter. Sam can become any animal, but tends to prefer dogs. Maybe because people trust them and he’s a loyal friend. Although vampires have “come out of the coffin”, shifters and weres prefer to remain anonymous to the larger human population. So only a few close friends know about Sam’s ability to transform into animals.

As the storylines become more complex, we learn that Sam has some skeletons in his closet. When he was young he ran away from home and ended up living with a foster family. The first time they caught him shifting, they packed up and moved without him. Sam had to fend for himself and apparently lived a life of crime for a number of years until he settled in Bon Temps. He claims to have bought the restaurant from the previous owners – the actual Merlottes – and he took over the business and the name. We get the sense that Sam has moved around a lot and has needed to reinvent himself on a few occasions.

As a teen abandoned by his foster family, Sam had to learn to survive on his own. He commits petty crimes to feed himself, and one night he unwittingly enters the house of a Maenad. Maryann catches him stealing from her and decides to have some fun with him. She seduces him and invites him to stay for a while. But Sam is kind of uneasy about Maryann. There’s something really strange about her. So, he sneaks out while she’s in the shower. With $30,000 of her money. Years go by, and Sam has managed to avoid many of the problems he’s created for himself by staying on the run. But eventually his past catches up with him in Bon Temps. Not only does Maryann track him down, but so does his real family. He’s not happy to see any of them. Sam prefers to stay a few steps ahead of his past, and no one in Bon Temps really knows his whole story. People get bits and pieces he chooses to reveal, but usually only in times of crisis.

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Like I said, Sam is a great friend when you stay on his good side. But he has a temper, and since he’s been known to not only conceal murders, but also commit them, you really shouldn’t piss him off.

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Maybe Sam isn’t as glamorous as the vampires and weres of Bon Temps, but he sure as hell knows how to wear a western-style shirt. And since he’s a shifter, we get to see him naked a lot.

He’s got a wiry frame and salt and pepper facial hair, which makes him totally fuckable. But for me, it’s his smile that would get me to follow him home to his trailer.

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Let’s get wild in the double-wide.

Fuckable Fictional Characters: John Mitchell

Here we are in the second week of my February blog series, “Fictional Characters I Would Totally Fuck”. I’m not gonna lie. I am having a blast writing these posts, researching supporting content, and best of all, finding images of all these totally fuckable fictional characters.

Today we’ll be staying at the BBC and visiting one of my favorite shows, Being Human. If you’ve only seen the American version on the Syfy channel, you need to take a look at the original. If you’ve never seen the show, here’s a synopsis:

Two friends, a werewolf (George Sands) and a vampire (John Mitchell) rent a flat together in Bristol in the hopes of living semi-normal lives among humans. After moving into the flat, they discover it’s haunted by the ghost of a young woman (Annie Sawyer) who can’t remember the details leading up to her death. The three supernatural friends build a strong bond and try to help each other deal with life as monsters.

While I adore all of these characters, as well as the supporting cast, I’m here to discuss the most fuckable character.

Yep. You guessed it. It’s the vampire.

February 8: John Mitchell

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What can I say about John Mitchell? We’ve already established that he’s a vampire. But all vampires have their own unique tale. In the first episode of Being Human we learn how and when Mitchell became a vampire. He was a soldier fighting in Europe in World War I. In the midst of battle, a battle he believed to be his last, he met a group of vampires in uniform. The next thing he remembers is waking up in a pile of dead soldiers killed in the battle with a craving for blood.

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Want to join me for a bite to eat?

Blood is a staple of the vampire diet. The food of life. Human lives. Some vampires eat regular human food, others exist on blood alone. Mitchell eats human food and drinks blood. Mitchell would like to stop drinking blood, because the guilt he feels for all the people he’s killed is unbearable most of the time. So, much like a drug addict, Mitchell tries again and again to kick the habit. He believes initially that if he stops living among his own kind, he won’t be tempted to behave like them.

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Old serial killers can’t learn new tricks.

Most of the other vampires he knows – there are quite a lot of them living in Bristol – embrace their monstrous nature and love to kill and eat people. The vampires aren’t exactly out in the open, but they do have jobs in important positions and influence society for their benefit. Mysterious and violent deaths remain unsolved, because they control the police. The vampire who made Mitchell, Herrick, has been around since at least the Middle Ages and he has established a position of power within the vampire society. Herrick has plans to take even more control by targeting humans in positions of power and turning them. He wants Mitchell to be his right hand man, because they used to be murder buddies. They spent decades living an intensely hedonistic lifestyle – sex, drugs, rock-n-roll, and bloodlust. They killed a lot of people together. Mitchell’s kill list is legendary and he’s viewed as a hero among the other vampires.

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Living with George and Annie makes Mitchell want to be a better person. Their friendship grounds him and keeps him on a bloodless path. But he can’t always control his cravings for blood. He slips up sometimes. Actually, he slips up all the time and finds himself in a never-ending shame spiral. So, like a drug addict who doesn’t want his friends to know that he’s using again, he lies to them.

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I’m sorry, that doesn’t usually happen to me. Wait, no, that happens all the time.

Sex is a trigger for Mitchell’s bloodlust. Women who share his bed usually end up in the cemetery. Or become vampires like him. Either way, he kills them. Obviously, Mitchell’s relationships don’t last very long. But things might be easier with a ghost, right?

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Annie is a bit naive at times. Before her death, she lived a relatively sheltered life. But that doesn’t mean she’s an idiot. She knows Mitchell is a vampire and has very dark and violent history. So why would she be interested in developing a romantic connection with Mitchell? Well, when he isn’t falling off the wagon and committing serial murder, he’s a really fun guy with a great sense of humor and well…stunningly gorgeous.

He’s good with kids.

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No babies were eaten during the filming of this episode.

He likes to smell good for the ladies.

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Helpful hygiene tips for the undead bachelor.

He’s passionate, emotionally complex, and feels things deeply.

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And, he has an irresistible smile.

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But, at some point, all the good is out-weighed by his murderous urges.

Is it just me, or is he still incredible sexy?

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Stupid? Maybe. But, holy shit. A night with Mitchell might be worth the trip to the morgue.

Final

Fuckable Fictional Characters: Captain Homer Jackson

Today’s post is going to be short and sweet. Why? Because I am exhausted and may very well be getting sick. But, I didn’t want to miss a day of my month-long blog series. So far this week, I have focused on some very fuckable fictional characters. Today’s offering is no exception.

Before we get started, I need to tell you a few things about my taste in fiction – many of these things have already been revealed, such as the fact that I love speculative fiction. If that fiction involves vampires, British librarians, Asgardian princes, demon hunters, cartoon spies, or serial killers, then all the better. Something you might not know about me is that I’m totally a sucker for just about anything produced by the British Broadcasting Corporation. Yep. I’m an anglophile. I have been a fan of the BBC since I was a toddler watching All Creatures Great and Small on PBS. Over time I developed a love for many British TV shows and characters on said shows. I’ll be discussing some of them in the days to come. But now, I’m going to talk about Ripper Street, a BBC TV show set in 1880’s London in the Whitechapel neighborhood just after Jack the Ripper’s killing spree. As a life-long anglophile, a BBC TV show set in Victorian London that deals with violent crimes totally rocks in my opinion. Ironically, the character I find most attractive on the show is an American.

February 7: Homer Jackson

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Captain Homer Jackson, formerly a U.S. Army surgeon and Pinkerton agent, teams up with Detective Inspector Edmund Reid and Detective Sergeant Bennet Drake to investigate the Ripper murders. Jackson’s understanding of medicine and work with the Pinkerton’s provides him with a unique skill set for investigating crimes at the dawn of forensic science. He is a valuable member of the three-man crime fighting team, but his hedonistic habits and secret past often makes him a liability.

There are a lot of holes in Jackson’s backstory when we first meet him, but Reid respects and desperately needs his expertise if he has any hope of finding the Ripper and solving the murders. Jackson likes to drink, gamble, use opiates, and his female companion who came to London with him from America, Long Susan, is the madam of one of the local brothels. But his skills as a forensic investigator, his growing friendship with Reid, and his protective instincts when it comes to the women in his life make it possible to overlook some of his shortcomings.

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Performing an autopsy with a hangover isn’t for wimps.

Jackson lives in the brothel, and despite his romantic attachment and business relationship with Long Susan, think common law marriage (he refers to Susan as his wife), he also has sex with some of the prostitutes who work there. Susan usually turns a blind eye to his extracurricular sexual activity, but when Jackson develops a fondness for Rose, one of the brothels most popular prostitutes, their relationship becomes strained. His increasing involvement with the police creates some conflict between them as well since their main source of income comes from running prostitutes.

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Ain’t nothing like pimpin’.

Jackson is an interesting character. He kind of looks like a cross between a pimp and a Victorian cowboy. He’s street smart, with an eye for police work, and he is a skilled doctor with a firm understanding of science. He likes to drink until he’s drunk, enjoys the company of women, and judging by how happy they are, we can assume that he is a skilled lover.

He’s sexy passed out drunk or stoned in the gutter, working in his lab, shooting a gun, or reclining in a bathtub. He has a wonderful grasp of human behavior and is often the voice of logic and reason despite his love of chaos and pursuit of pleasures of the flesh.

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Yep. Fuckable from any angle.

There’s a lot to like about this show – a fantastic ensemble cast, interesting characters with their own stories, beautiful Victorian costumes (I’m especially fond of Jackson’s unique dress sense), plots that incorporate enough actual historical events to make them authentic, and plenty of conflict and misery. If you haven’t watched the show, seasons 1-3 are available on Netflix. Handsome men in plaid suits with accents solving murders in the gritty streets of Victorian London. What’s not to like? I could watch period British crime dramas all the livelong day. Especially when there’s plenty of yummy eye candy, and references to some of the more unsavory and fascinating aspects of Victorian culture. We get a peak at the birth of pornographic films, a religious cult that resembles the Golden Dawn, the rise of Socialism, and the famous human oddity, Joseph Merrick.

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You have my full attention.

Fuckable Fictional Characters: Hannibal Lecter

A few days ago I mentioned that several serial killers made my list of fuckable fictional characters. Don’t judge me. Monsters can be beautiful. Especially if those monsters hold up a mirror to society and show us how monstrous we can all really be.

Serial killers are terrifying. Fictional serial killers, when well crafted, can become an endless source of fascination. Thomas Harris, a master of characterization, created one of the most famous fictional serial killers of all time – Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

February 6: Dr. Hannibal Lecter

My first encounter with Dr. Lecter was in Jonathan Demme’s 1991 film, Silence of the Lambs, which according to IMDb had a release date of February 14. Happy birthday to me! I watched the film with my mom and Aunt Vanessa when it became available on cable. They had both read the novel and Harris’ first novel featuring Lecter, Red Dragon. They talked about the character like high school girls discussing the hottest boy at school. Look, at least I come by my weirdness honestly.

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I’ll be your date for the evening.

At the time, I was excited about the film because they were so excited, but after watching Anthony Hopkins’ performance as the cannibalistic psychiatrist, I fell in love too. Think what you will about that statement, but I don’t have to justify what turns me on. Would I date an actual serial killer? Not intentionally. Will I continue to find certain fictional ones sexy and totally fuckable? Hell yeah!

Hannibal Lecter is an incredibly interesting character with an epic backstory. He’s an accomplished musician and artist, as well as a psychiatrist and behavioral analysis expert. He speaks several languages and has an appreciation for art and culture. He likes the finer things in life, including clothes, antiques, and opulent interior design. And, he is above all else a lover of fine food. His culinary skills are sought after by his acquaintances, and his dishes would please the pickiest gourmand. But here’s the catch. One of the primary ingredients in his culinary creations is the flesh of his victims. He not only enjoys eating people, but also takes pleasure in feeding human flesh to his guests.

I’ll admit that initially my feelings about Dr. Lecter confused me. Lecter’s actions are undoubtedly horrific, but his personality and demeanor (when he isn’t brutally murdering someone and eating them) makes him one of the most attractive characters in fiction. Yes, I’m fully aware that he is a psychopath. In fact, that is probably one of the reasons why he is so charming. He has had to master the spectrum of human emotions in order to blend in with the rest of us mere mortals. His intellect and skills place him in a position of authority, and his wealth gives him access to the upper echelons of society. Smart, rich men of European decent can literally get away with murder. Before you get all offended by that statement, pick up a history book. Hell, pick up the newspaper.

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What’s that? You’re here to eat my children? Do you prefer them baked, broiled, or fried?

Many of Hannibal’s victims are his patients. Fellow psychopaths and sociopaths who haven’t found their true calling, and seek his services as a psychiatrist. As an expert on human behavior, Lecter has a knack for targeting a person’s strengths. Through manipulation and often guidance, he encourages his prey to act upon their strengths, no matter how dangerous or morally corrupt. Then he makes a game out of turning these strengths against his prey, making them weaknesses. Once that person is completely vulnerable and trusts him, he strikes. And he doesn’t waste his time on the dregs of society. He typically targets people who are intellectual peers and experts in their own fields. However, one of his own weaknesses is his need to be the smartest person in the room, which causes him to underestimate other people’s intellect at times. Despite this evil game he plays with people, some of his victims probably could benefit from being murdered.

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Yeah, that guy is totally on the menu.

In the first novel in the series, Red Dragon, Lecter is in prison. We learn that prior to the opening of the book, he helped an FBI profiler, Will Graham, track a serial killer who actually turns out to be Lecter. Lecter and Graham developed a respect for each other as colleagues and we are given the sense that they were friends, but Will begins to to see that there is something dark and suspicious about the doctor. Will knows a serial killer when he meets one, but he almost loses his life at the hands of Lecter.

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It is possible to be too committed to your work.

Will Graham, the protagonist of Red Dragon, is also an amazing character. His relationship with Lecter, although nearly fatal, continues after Graham puts Lecter behind bars. Graham and the FBI make use of Lecter’s skills to catch other serial killers. In the novel, the two characters have a relatively normal working relationship. On many levels they respect each other’s abilities, but they do not become close friends. I suppose it’s difficult to remain friends with someone who tries to eviscerate you.

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It’s hard to build lasting relationships when you try to kill everyone you know.

Like many fans of the cannibalistic psychiatrist, I equated Lecter to Anthony Hopkins. His portrayal of Lecter in Silence of the Lambs earned him an Academy Award for Best Actor, and he reprised the role in two other films, Hannibal (2001) and Red Dragon (2002). I couldn’t imagine anyone else filling Lecter’s gorgeous Italian leather loafers.

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This is how you win awards.

Well, not until the Danish actor, Mads Mikkelsen, put on a well-tailored suit and treated the American public to an award-worthy performance as the infamous doctor in Bryan Fuller’s TV adaptation that depicts a re-imagining of the events leading up to Lecter’s capture. Fuller’s artistic vision of Harris’ work provides a smorgasbord of opulent sets, a wardrobe to kill for, and scenes that reference some of Fuller’s cinematic influences, like David Lynch and Stanley Kubrick.

After I finished watching the second season, I re-watched Twin Peaks to satisfy my suspicions that I wasn’t just imagining the fact that certain scenes and images reminded me of David Lynch’s work. Fuller’s references to Lynch’s use of lighting, textures, patterns, and unique objects were unmistakable. And, when Will Graham woke up choking and spit up a whole human ear, I thought I had died and gone to cultural reference heaven. I literally squealed, bounced up and down, and shouted, “No fucking way!” It was my reward for being such a geek about cinematic imagery.

While Fuller’s cinematic vision took me to new levels of giddiness each week, Mads Mikkelsen took an intellectually stimulating character and turned him into a sex symbol. Of course, Mads does that in nearly every role because…well…just look at him.

No seriously, gaze upon him.

Stunning, right? Well, he isn’t just a perfect specimen of complete and total fuckability. He’s also an accomplished, award-winning actor with an incredible range of emotion that made Lecter not only charming and frightening, but also someone we almost feel sympathy for and secretly hope that he escapes capture.

Fuller’s vision of what happens before Red Dragon brings Hannibal and Will closer together. They become more than just colleagues. They become friends, and eventually accomplices. Lecture pushes Graham over the edge to embrace his madness. Literally.

ATTENTION: SPOILER ALERT

As Will gets to know Hannibal more intimately, he suspects what his friend is up to. Hannibal considers Will his closest and only friend, and wishes to awaken Will’s potential to become a murderer. In order to capture Lecter, Will becomes like him. A choice that becomes dangerous for both men as well as everyone else in their lives. Lies, deception and manipulation become the tools that Will turns against Lecter. In the process, they forge a bond where mutual respect and genuine affection exist. Lecter is attracted to Will. He finds the FBI profiler fascinating and desperately wants him to be a peer. Hannibal develops a bit of a crush on Will, and Will’s obsession with Hannibal mimics the emotional state of someone who is falling in love.

Fuller uses this dynamic to create some extremely hot homoerotic scenes that inspired fans of the show to loving refer to their relationship as Hannigram. You may or may not be shocked by some of the fan art that pops up on Pinterest, Tumblr, and DeviantArt.com.

But how can you blame them when there are unexpectedly erotic scenes like this?

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Excuse me, I need a moment alone.