Fuckable Fictional Characters: Rupert Giles

Like many of you, dear readers, finding that special someone has been a life-long struggle for me. I’ve dated quite an interesting array of boys and men, and I was even married for a few years. Over time, I have come to the conclusion that what I’m looking for in a partner simply may not exist out there. As a fiction junkie and book nerd, my standards in men have been raised to a level that is in all likelihood impossible to attain. And, in some cases, that’s probably for the best, considering how much I love monsters.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I’m taking a break from dating right now to regroup and figure some things out. So, while I’m spending time alone, I’ll continue to fall in love…and lust with my favorite fictional hotties.

February 2: Rupert Giles

As a book nerd, I have had many crushes on teachers and librarians. Intelligence is sexy. Knowledge of arcane subjects, dead languages, and access to rare books on the occult is panty-peeling super sexy. Throw in some tweed, a pair of glasses and a British accent, and I melt like butter.

Giles-Books

You had me at books.

Rupert Giles is, in my opinion, the hottest character in the Buffyverse. Yes, I adore Spike, and he will have his own post this month, but Giles is way more interesting and…well, not a serial killer. Now, before you go thinking that serial killers are off limits in my fantasies, you would be mistaken. I’m almost ashamed to say that several serial killers will appear in these posts this month, and not just vampires. If you know me at all, you can probably guess who at least one of those serial killers will be.

Okay, back to Giles. Librarian by day, vampire hunter by night, Rupert Giles wears many hats. He is a member of the Watcher’s Council, a sexist and manipulative secret society that treats its female warriors like objects to wield like weapons in the fight between Good and Evil. They claim to be fighting the good fight, but the problem is, their actions and aspirations place them somewhere in that grey area between, which makes them just as shady as Wolfram and Hart. Despite this affiliation, Giles recognizes the strengths in all the female characters around him, not just his Slayer. He trusts women to take the lead, and nurtures their strengths while forgiving their weaknesses. Even if they go off the deep end and try to destroy the world…or fuck a few vampires. He’s a teacher, a friend, and a much-needed father figure to a group of young misfits that are in constant conflict with the Hellmouth. And, although each episode puts him in the path of danger, he still manages to have a good sense of humor.

Giles-Drunk

Whiskey helps him cope with the PTSD associated with vampire hunting and deal with the inexplicable lack of sex in his life.

As his story unfolds and we learn more about Giles, we discover that he isn’t just an overly educated book nerd. He has a dark past in which he was not only a juvenile delinquent, but also delved into dark magic. Perhaps, that is why he is so quick to caution Willow when she becomes addicted to magic, and keeps the grimoires under lock and key. He can appreciate the attractiveness of darkness, because he used to hang out with a bunch of people who allowed a demon to possess them for kicks. Hey, it was the seventies and people were doing all kinds of crazy shit. Drugs, free love, summoning demons – those wacky kids.

Ripper

Clean-cut men with dark pasts are effing hot.

Due to the fact that Giles’ primary responsibility is to train and support his Slayer, Buffy, he doesn’t really have much time for a personal life. He spends most of his time buried in old tomes researching the next evil that crawls out of the Hellmouth, sharpening stakes, fending off demons and bullies, and being a good listener to teenaged vampire hunters…and sometimes emotionally unstable vampires. So, his opportunities to meet ladies and go on dates are pretty limited. But, he still manages to win the hearts of several women in Sunnydale. He was magically manipulated to partake in some of these sexual encounters, which makes them somehow even more erotic due to the level of danger involved.

9 - Dru and Giles

Drusilla learns that librarians are good kissers.

Giles develops a relationship with a teacher at Sunnydale High, Jenny Calendar, a gypsy with a secret revenge prophecy who ends up betraying Buffy. Initially, Giles breaks things off with her, but Jenny ends up winning him back and things start to get a bit more serious. Sadly, the night that they finally have a chance to consummate their relationship, Giles comes home to find Jenny murdered in his bed. Soon after, he’s kidnapped and tortured by her murderer, Angelus. Giles has information Angelus needs to bring about the end of the world, and torture isn’t working. So, Drusilla mesmerizes Giles into to thinking she’s Jenny to trick him into telling her what they need to know. While pretending to be Jenny, Drusilla loses herself in the moment while kissing Giles, and Spike and Angelus have to say her name several times to get her attention, which leads me to believe he’s an excellent kisser.

Books-Smell

Talk dirty to me about old books.

In “Band Candy,” Giles reverts to his teen-aged hooligan persona thanks to magically altered candy bars that are distributed by his old friend and nemesis, Ethan Rayne. Apparently, when Giles was a teenager he was a small-time criminal with a knack for vandalism and robbery. We also discover that he has a fantastic record collection, smokes, and likes to make out on the hood of a car. He smashes a storefront window with a trashcan to steal a jacket that Joyce Summers, Buffy’s mom, says she’d like to wear, just to impress her. I don’t know about Joyce, but I was impressed. Although we only see Giles and Joyce kissing in this episode, we later discover that things went much further that night and Joyce apparently enjoyed a pretty memorable shagging.

Giles-and-Joyce

You know they totally shagged on Buffy’s bed.

We never see Giles form any permanent sexual relationships with other women in Sunnydale, but an old flame, Olivia Williams, visits him from time to time. Olivia appears in only two episodes, but makes enough of an impression for Anya to refer to her as Giles’ “orgasm friend.” After learning about what Giles really does for a living, Olivia decides a relationship with him might be too dangerous. Fortunately, I’ve written plenty of fan fiction about possible sexual relationships for Giles, because I really think he should get laid more often.

Rupert-and-Olivia

I like a man with a diverse taste in women.

Drusilla isn’t the only vampire Giles gets busy with in the series. In “Buffy vs. Dracula,” Giles succumbs to the temptations of Dracula’s brides and ends up having a rather hot scene with the three legendary vampires kissing, licking, and biting him.

Giles evolves throughout the series like the other characters, but we still only get glimpses of who he really is. He’s a man of mystery, which has it’s own appeal. What we do know about him would make him a much sought after friend and lover – academic, vampire hunter, musician, collector of rare books, father figure, hopeless romantic, conjurer of dark magic, whiskey connoisseur and tea drinker. Did I mention the British accent?

Forgive

I’m a very bad girl and need to be punished…I mean forgiven.

Fuckable Fictional Characters: Damon Salvatore

Hi. I haven’t blogged in a really, really long time, and I need some motivation to write. Today is the first day of February 2016, a leap year, and the month of my birth. I’m not going to tell you how old I am unless you ask very politely and promise not to laugh in my face. What I will happily tell you is that my birthday is February 14. That’s right. I was born on Valentine’s Day. People have a habit of saying how lucky I am, and what a special birthday it must be each year. Well…that isn’t entirely true.
Spooky-Heart

Here are my top 3 reasons why Valentine’s Day is a crappy day to celebrate your birthday on. Yes, I know it would suck to have a birthday on Christmas, too, unless you’re Jesus, but Valentine’s Day birthdays are their own special brand of Hell. So, let me count just a few of the ways that having a birthday on Valentine’s Day totally blows.

  1. Corporate-Sponsored Peer Pressure: Valentine’s Day manipulates you to find that special someone and/or give said someone not only your undivided attention, but also gifts that evoke romantic sentiments. There is nothing worse that being expected to buy romantic gifts for someone you have either recently met, or secretly hate and plan to leave soon. Especially of they do something really nice for you on your birthday.
  1. Envy: Watching other people who aren’t even celebrating a birthday receive flowers, cards, gifts, etc., and you might only get lucky enough to go out to dinner with a friend or eat a cake that a co-worker bought at the last minute on the way to work.
  1. Loneliness: Being single can be depressing at the best of times, but when you are single on Valentine’s Day, the feeling of being alone often feels more amplified. And, if it’s your birthday AND Valentine’s Day, some years you feel like the biggest loser that ever walked the face of the Earth.

Expectations run really high on Valentine’s Day for a lot of people, and birthdays can be bad enough if you experience anxiety about that fact that another year has come and gone and you still aren’t living up to your full potential. Talk about a double whammy.

Last year I was in a relationship that sent me straight to therapy and required medication. I’m still working on exorcising those demons. This year I am single. And, oddly enough, I’m pretty happy about that. I doubt this is the first time I was happy to be single on my Valentine’s birthday, but I don’t remember ever feeling so relieved.

This year to celebrate, I’m planning a party with some of my closest friends and we’re going to have an ‘80’s dance party. I’m very excited, but I’m getting ahead of myself. The purpose of this post, and a series of posts I plan to share with you each day this month, is to talk about some of my favorite fictional characters. More specifically, fictional characters I would hop in the sack with…or on a couch…or in the backseat of a car…or the hood of a car…or in a crypt…on a train…I think you get the idea.

ANYWAY, since this is the month of love and romance, and since I’m single and have sworn off online dating, I’m going to spend the month fantasizing about sexy fictional characters and why I find them so irresistible.

February 1: Damon Salvatore

Damon-Side

For the first installment of “Fictional Characters I Would Totally Fuck”, I offer you Damon Salvatore. Damon, Damon, Damon. Where to begin?

Well, for starters, he’s a vampire. That usually scores big points for me when it comes to fictional characters. I totally effing love vampires. And, I’ve loved vampires since I was about 12-years-old. WAY before Edward Cullen started sprinkling glitter all over the vampire fiction universe. My mother gave me a gently used copy of Interview with the Vampire for Christmas one year, and that solidified my obsession with vampires. I had spent a lot of time watching horror movies as a kid, and vampires and werewolves were my favorite monsters. I saw Bela Lugosi in Dracula when I was really young, and was given set of View Master disks that depicted a version of Stoker’s novel in cartoon images. I guess my interest in vampires started with Universal and Hammer films, and I devoured Dark Shadows. Let’s face it folks, vampires rock. And, I’ll most likely devote an entire post to Dracula this month.

Damon-3

Stefan who?

But today, I’m going to talk about the hottest vampire in Mystic Falls, Damon Salvatore. I might be inclined to watch The Vampire Diaries if Ian Somerhalder wasn’t cast as Damon, but I’m not going to lie, he’s the main reason why I watch the show. He’s an incredible anti-hero who enters the story as a villain. He’s the bad boy older brother of the hero, Stefan Salvatore. Stefan’s attractive, and he seems to be a really nice guy. He’s handsome, emotionally stable, smart, romantic, and initially, safe. By all outward appearances, he’s a parent’s wet dream. This is exactly the type of guy high school girls should be interested in dating. Well, normal high school girls who are Hell-bent on having a safe, boring, vanilla relationship with a guy you could easily imagine marrying, and having kids with…if vampires could procreate. He was a perfect match for the heroine, Elena Gilbert. They were happy and I wanted them to be happy. But the moment Damon makes his first appearance on screen, I was like, “Stefan who?”

Damon-6

This statement made me giggle like a school girl. A school girl with a deeply perverse imagination and access to classic smut.

Damon is everything Stefan isn’t. Impulsive. Sexy. Violent. Vulgar. Inappropriately funny. Stunningly gorgeous. Promiscuous. Vain. Reckless. Dark. Dangerous. Comfortable with being a vampire, and not afraid of his true nature. And his true nature is to be a monster. He never really pretends to be anything else, and when he is tempted to go against his nature, he always manages to disappoint the people closest to him by reaffirming that he is a monster and in many ways, proud of that fact. He’s a villain. I like villains. But more importantly, I like villains who seek redemption and show me that despite their murderous rampages, they really are the most logical, loyal, and honest character in the story. It helps that he’s the funniest character and gets some of the best lines in every episode.

All of his romantic scenes are hot. The way he kisses women, touches them, gazes at them, bites into their necks, tears off their clothes…there isn’t a dry pair of panties in the audience when he grabs the object of his desire and succumbs to lust. Or love.

And seriously, look at him.

Damon-1

Yep, totally fuckable.

No, really, LOOK AT HIM!

Damon-4

I’d skip prom to make out on the hood of a car with this guy.

I sure as shit wouldn’t kick him out of my bed for spilling blood.

Damon-7

Bite me already.